Dear Goddess: I’m what they would call a “high-achieving” woman in my 30s, fit and with several degrees, looking for a man who would describe himself similarly. Actually, many men DO describe themselves similarly on the net, but alas, are not any of the above. I feel I deserve a man who has worked as hard as I have to get ahead and reach my potential. Could it be that those men are afraid of me?
Hmmm. It’s possible. And it’s possible that men are very attracted to all that you offer, too, and for various reasons, can’t cut it. But there’s possibly another problem.
I’m hearing a lot of confusion between what one desires in a possible relationship, and what one feels entitled to. The difference between what looks good in a resume, in a package you might call The Perfect Guy For Me, and what qualities you might actually need for emotional connection.
Wouldn’t you feel suspicious of a man who felt entitled to, say, “a beautiful, smart, high-achieving woman who has her own life, who can hold her own financially, who knows who she is and will be a great mother to my children….”; and even if you thought you fit the bill, wouldn’t you want to hear something about the qualities that might assure, um, connection ? Haven’t you ever met the perfect guy on paper with whom you couldn’t have a decent conversation? Or, a man who, when you lost your job, gained a few pounds, got depressed…..felt entitled to someone not affected by the downturn, by occasional binging, by life? So much for what either of you feels entitled to.
We’re all entitled to pursue what we want. But entitlement has a weird feel to it; a vibe that everyone can pick up. (Why do you think so many people lie about their age and success on the net?) It’s possible that your sense of entitlement to a perfect guy is shining forth far more strongly than your desire to fine connection. No one wants to feel as if he’s being chosen because he ties up nicely into a good package.Two superb packages may have nothing in common but their fitness regime. Not promising for a loving relationship.
Maybe try going for someone you can talk to….and see if the other attributes diminish somewhat in importance.
Good luck!
O wise one!
Amen! I’ve never wanted the super-driven man because that man has no time for ME, only for his next goal. I’m selfish and want to come first (luckily, I found that man). We’re able to work toward goals together, that build and sustain our marriage and family. I know couples who are together for mostly physical or looks-good-on-paper reasons. They don’t often last, and if they do, they don’t seem to like each other very much.