Dear Goddess: For six months, while my boyfriend is traveling on an important assignment, I’ve been taking care of his seven-year-old child, Stephen, much of the time. His mother is very ill, and it has fallen to me to do the stuff like picking him up from school, getting his lunches ready– you know. I adore this boy and now I’m faced with how to proceed.  My boyfriend and I are not at the point where I should be caring for “our” child….but now I care about the child more than I care about the man. Help!

I’ve been getting a lot of calls since we did The Love Goddess Show on this subject (of dating men with children) a few days ago – and it’s a very complicated issue, as you know. 

Despite your love for Stephen, you really cannot be thrown like this into the Stepmother position before you’re deeply committed–I’d even be old-fashioned enough to say married to–the boy’s father. Why? Let me count the ways. Who pays for all this–the lunches, the travel, the dinners, the trips to the doctor if Stephen gets sick, the time you’re putting in because his mother and father aren’t? Putting aside the reasons why they aren’t, why are YOU the designated nanny? Has anyone thought about Stephen and the ramifications of his attachment to you should your relationship with his traveling daddy not develop to the point where you really ARE a stepmother? And, churlish of me, who is reimbursing you for this all-important job you’re doing? (Hey, I know many biological mothers who complain that their work isn’t respected….but this is ridiculous.  Is anyone factoring you, your time, your devotion, your importance to this family (which is, I repeat, not YOUR family) into the equation? Who takes care of YOU?

What happens if this relationship with Stephen’s dad doesn’t develop? What happens to you and his boy? Does anyone care?

I would be very careful about proceeding with this job. It’s not fair to Stephen. Tell your boyfriend to get a nanny, and that, when he gets enough time to have a talk with you, you want to date him. Remember dating?  The fun? The courtship? The falling-in-love? I remember it–I’m the Love Goddess–but evidently your guy doesn’t. Nor do you. So get a grip, dear earth girl, and refuse to sign on to this totally unfair “agreement”–unless  you can adopt Stephen, of course, and be done with these distracted, self-centered adults!

 

Posted in Love and Dating
Share This Post